My Zine Graveyard

Like many creatives I’ve had more ideas I’ve attempted to commit to paper than I’ve completed. It’s a normal part of the making process, not everything needs to become a finished item, hell I’m not even sure it’s good for you to finish absolutely everything you put your creative mind to. Sometimes you start something just so it’ll leave you alone and let you move onto other ideas. Other times you don’t actually have as much to say as you originally thought, or the moment passes you by.

I have a particularly large zine graveyard, ideas that never even left my mind or only exist as scrawling words in an old notebook. Most of these don’t even have proper titles, just stand in’s that are far too blunt to be good, but I never got to the point of having to think up a proper title.

I think it’s interesting to see what was abandoned, why it was, and if there is any hope of a resurrection. I’ve written about five different zines in my graveyard, letting you know what they were supposed to be, why they died and if resurrection is possible.

Mentally Ill & Romantic Relationships:

This zine was supposed to be co-authored with an ex-partner and despite getting down multiple drafts it never really became more than a bundle of notes. It was never easy to collaborate with them, the momentum at the start would be fantastic but it would never take long for disinterest or resentment to settle in from them. Not that it was solely on them that this zine died at conception, I think I felt like a bit of a liar trying to write it and was actively quite relived it when they didn’t want to work on it.

It was supposed talk about navigating a romantic relationship where both partners were mentally unwell. Acting as one-part perzine and one-part advice zine. A fantastic idea but I don’t think we ever really got a handle on how our own mental health interacted with each other. I think I was very much aware of this, despite outwardly saying we were balancing each other well, that wasn’t a feeling I truly felt internally. I’m not sure much of what we could have written would have been helpful to anyone when we could barely navigate our own struggles, let alone how they clashed with each other’s.  

No surprise that this isn’t a zine I’d pick up writing again and I’m glad stayed unwritten. A cool concept someone else might be more qualified to write.   

 

She’s Not Dead:

Before my Nana passed away at the bonkers age of 103 she had dementia. She was lucky in many ways; her health had only started to decline a little before her 100th birthday and it was only a few years that she suffered from dementia. That didn’t change the devastating impact it had on my family and me.

Dementia is an odd thing. It feels like it slowly snatches someone you love, like a curse that can’t be shaken, till all that’s left is someone who looks familiar but has no recollection of who you are. She’s Not dead was a zine I used to explore this feeling of having my Nana physically be around but mentally the woman I knew had left the building. Not only had she already gone but I couldn’t pin point at what moment I became only a stranger to her.

This zine has pages made for it, mostly artwork, but they sit saved on my computer gathering digital dust. It’s not something I’ve ever felt compelled to go back to, the work itself was more therapeutic, I think. Even if I was making it with the intention of sharing it, I found myself losing steam especially once she passed away. Almost as with her death and subsequent funeral the work no longer had a place in my grieving.

 

How REDACTED tested our compatibility:

A mini zine where I would list all the silly ways my partner at the time had tested our romantic compatibility before asking me out. Even now it’s a very sweet list to look back on and at the time it made my heart soar to know how serious they were about me. It’s still a fond memory but has been very much tainted by the end of the relationship and having a slightly different perspective on those events that sour it.

This zine is very much one that passed me by, like a pen I was to precious about using to the point I lost it before I could do anything with it. It would have made a lovely addition to my collection and as a memento to that moment in time. There are no regrets to letting it fade to history, a nice idea that never was.

 

Bloodborne Zine:

This would have been one hell of a zine if I’d actually finished it. When I played Bloodborne for the first time I took thorough notes about my opinions on every single bit. I love this game, even now I’m getting the itch to pick up my controller and play it again. It holds such a special place in my heart and has been such an inspiration to my creative practice.

The zine would have had several key elements to it. First, my genuine reaction to each area and boss as I encountered them. Second, would be theories about the game but also talking about the rich lore hidden away. Third, a more grounded look at the game as a whole, including some of the flaws and issues I had with it. Four, some absolutely beautiful art.

It would have been a lot of work and really only appealed to a very niche group of people, not that it would have stopped me in all honestly. I simply didn’t have the momentum to carry me on and at one point I was so absorbed into the game I stopped taking any notes. Which is maybe the main reason why this zine didn’t happen but I’m still happy that I let myself enjoy the game instead of getting bogged down in crafting a zine about it. The experience was more important than the product I could make about it.

On my to do list is a zine about games I adore and I’m sure some of this content will find its way into it.

 

About My Dogs:

While I have made a mini zine about one of my babies it has always been an idea to make a bigger zine about my two dogs. To share the odd quirks and stories surrounding them. It’s a slightly paranoid reason why this zine doesn’t exist and it’s the same reason why my dogs rarely appear in any public photos or videos online. I want to keep them safe.

It’s highly unlikely someone is going to kidnap or harm my dogs from reading a zine about them, but I can’t help but worry. Even that mini zine has only found its way into close friend’s hands. Of course, I could still make these zines but keep them to my inner circle but the idea behind this is to show off how wonderful my babies are to strangers. To bring a smile to people’s faces in the same way I get when I read about other people’s pets.

Maybe it’s something I’ll do in future when they’ve passed on to honor their lives, and no harm could come their way. There is certainly no lack of documentation of all sorts about their lives so a zine being on hold or never happening isn’t the end of the world.